Challenging the Myth of Resilience: The Cost of Always Bouncing Back

Resilience is often praised as an admirable quality, something to be strived for and celebrated. In a world that values perseverance, the ability to endure hardship is frequently equated with strength. But what if this narrative is flawed? What if the glorification of resilience places an unfair burden on those already struggling? Too often, resilience is seen as an individual responsibility, a test of character rather than a reflection of circumstance. This framing ignores the hidden costs—the emotional exhaustion, the isolation, and the unrealistic expectation that people must endure without breaking. It is time to challenge this assumption and ask: is resilience truly the ideal we believe it to be, or is it a survival mechanism we are forced to adopt in the absence of real support?

The Burden of Resilience

Resilience. It’s a word that gets thrown around like a badge of honour, a trait to aspire to, a measure of strength. We celebrate it in stories of survival, perseverance, and grit. We admire those who push through adversity, who refuse to break, who emerge stronger despite everything life throws at them. But what if resilience is not the unshakable strength we believe it to be? What if, instead, it is a burden—a quiet, exhausting expectation that demands we keep going even when we are shattered inside?

For those of us who have faced relentless battles—be it illness, grief, discrimination, or trauma—resilience is not a choice; it is a necessity. We don’t wake up each day and decide to be strong. We do it because we have to. And yet, society romanticises this struggle, often failing to acknowledge the hidden cost of constantly “bouncing back.”

The Weight of Expectation

Resilience is often framed as the ability to endure hardship without faltering, or to recover quickly from difficulties, but this narrative ignores the toll it takes. The expectation to be resilient can be suffocating. It tells us that we must keep moving forward, that we must carry our burdens without complaint, that showing struggle is weakness. But resilience is not an infinite well—it drains us. And sometimes, the bravest thing a person can do is stop, admit they are struggling, and ask for help.

Strength Shouldn’t Mean Suffering in Silence

Too often, resilience is used as a reason to deny support. “You’re so strong, you’ll get through this.” “You’ve been through worse, you’ll manage.” “You always find a way.” These words, though meant to encourage, can feel dismissive. They assume that because we have survived before, we will survive again—alone, without help, without breaking. But true resilience should not mean enduring pain in isolation. It should not mean masking our exhaustion for the comfort of others.

The Truth About Breaking

There is an assumption that resilient people don’t break. That they are forged in fire, unyielding and indestructible. But even the strongest metal bends under enough pressure. And sometimes, breaking is necessary. Sometimes, resilience is not about enduring but about acknowledging when we have reached our limit. It is about giving ourselves permission to crumble, to grieve, to rest. Because resilience should not mean self-destruction.

Beyond Bouncing Back: The Need to Move Forward

One of the most pervasive ideas about resilience is the notion of "bouncing back"—the idea that after hardship, we should return to who we were before, unchanged. But for many, adversity is transformative. After experiencing illness, trauma, or profound loss, we do not simply revert to our previous selves. Instead, we evolve, adapt, and move forward in ways that may be unfamiliar or unexpected.

The pressure to "bounce back" suggests that resilience means erasing the impact of hardship, but true resilience acknowledges that some experiences change us permanently. Instead of focusing on returning to a past version of ourselves, we should reframe resilience as the ability to integrate our experiences, grow from them, and find new ways to exist in the world. Moving forward does not mean forgetting or minimising pain—it means carrying it in a way that allows for growth and self-compassion.

Redefining Resilience

What if we stopped glorifying resilience as the ability to withstand and started valuing it as the ability to heal? What if we recognised that resilience is not about how much pain we can take, but about how we care for ourselves in the aftermath? What if we stopped viewing resilience as the ability to recover quickly, and instead saw it as the time we take to process, heal, and find new ways of moving forward?

True resilience is not about pretending we are okay when we are not. It is about allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, to be supported, to say, “I can’t do this alone.” It is about finding strength in community, in connection, in the simple act of being seen and heard.

So, let’s challenge the myth that resilience means never falling apart. Let’s stop expecting people to carry impossible burdens alone. And let’s create a world where resilience is not measured by how much suffering we can endure but by how much compassion we allow ourselves to receive.